Pandemic Lesson #8: Living through the Ordinary

I was born in 23 B.C. (Before Computers).  This span of time gave me a taste of life before the invention of email, Google, or Facebook.  A simpler, slower life where “twitter” was the word that described sounds made by birds.  As a witness to the rapid technological advancements in communication (isn’t that cool?), I have a measure of the “before” that is foundational to the creation of myself.  I’ve learned that these foundational areas are ones that I return to in times of crisis or stress, or my “go to” coping mechanisms. Some of these are good habits, like introspection.  Others…well…not so good so I won’t dwell on them any longer as to stop feeding them my energy.  I have learned, however, to see my “not so good” as opportunities to change my perspective and it is in the changed perspective where my energy is best used.

We here at Mentagility believe that perspective is the “High Priestess of Understanding Everything.”  Like many of us I’ve long battled a negative internal dialog that permeated my sense of self, like an ooze of smelly nastiness that would pervade my view of the world…and, importantly, myself in this world.  A layer of greasy film over my eyes, my feelings were distorted by this dirty lens which impacted the accuracy of my perception.  This pervasive perception failure  created habitual thinking that became ingrained in my personality, or a negative mind loop.  Like a tree where you can tell its age by the rings of growth in a cross-section cut, I can tell my growth through the layers of filth and distortion that I’m removing.  Peeling that back like an onion, layer upon layer, has been some challenge…and the highlight of my short life here on this planet.  I feel called to share that experience, to help others going through a similar journey.  The title of this post is really about how we can dial back our minds to what is known and, well, common to us.

I used to think this was an easy process, like “You’ll feel better if you do these steps in the following order, and you’ll be fixed.”  In this process, however, I have found that there is a lot for me to unravel, distill, and discard and “fixed” is a perception or a state of mind that is a judgment.  (Or, in my changed perspective: Progress!)  Here is one small example of what I mean.  In the beginning of this pandemic, I had a dear friend relocate out of state.  The fact that I could not wish her goodbye as I liked really weighed on me, like a loss of life.  I have few close friends in this life and she is one.  I was keenly feeling what life was emerging to, or transitioning to, once again…and I did not like it.  All of my bad coping mechanisms were in full swing which brought up so many errors in my own perception of self.  My friend then asked that we begin chatting using Zoom; I tried once and couldn’t continue, nearly having a breakdown.  It was one of the worst experiences of my life, like witnessing my own demise and being unable to stop the avalanche of shit raining down on my head.  Imagine a person, stressed with coping with all of these changes in our society – the fighting, arguing, the anger – having a friend move away, and, then, communicating through Zoom while my body dysmorphia disorder fired right back up.  (Thank you, school yard bullies.) All I could focus on was my fat, ugly face, how miserable the world was, and the loss of my friend.  My relationships suffered as a result – mostly with myself – and I tumbled into a dark feeling of overwhelm so much so that I contemplated what life would be like without me in it. I received professional help for something that I couldn’t even communicate because it was so horrible, like a dark cloud that squeezed my heart shut and seared it closed with a hot poker shaped like a big “L” for LOSER.  With everything just crumbling around me, I turned to my tried and true coping mechanisms which failed me once again…and not for the reasons one might think.  The change is that I paid attention to my coping habits, isolated them, identified them, and accepted them.  The acceptance of them is a key advancement for me in my journey of life.  I became conscious of my coping mechanisms, accepted them for what they are, and created some new ones that may be better for me.  Or, rather than berating myself, the acceptance felt better. This began a whole new journey for me and allowed me to expand my creativity which has given me positive insight, too.  I began to look for solutions and not just the problems.

Most of my prior mental “situations” were mine alone which felt so isolating.  This global Pandemic situation, however, is impacting the world so these common threads of experience created a network of realizations for me that could be shared with others.  As part of my effort to reset my thinking during this “conscious spiral”, I became more of an observer of my thinking and focused on correcting my mental chatter (and not berating myself) which gave me a healthy curiosity about the larger purpose of my experience and what I was to learn from it. I’m convinced that this viewpoint resulted from my successful understanding and accepting these coping mechanisms which include a variety of various physical and emotional balms.  Some good, some not so good.  That is OK because I really learned more about myself as a result.  I know them for what they are or, perhaps, were.  One of these was writing, so I asked my friend living in another state if we could write to each other.  She agreed, and this simple act of kindness on her part allowed me to ground myself and really be in the moment or, what I term, the ordinary.  It is anything but ordinary, and the purpose of this monthly post.

Writing letters grounded me into the ordinary of living and routine in the present.  (I never knew that writing grounded me in such a universal way.) Many of us have felt the lack of routine (or a change in your routine through no fault of our own) quite keenly.  As a person who is “future living” – more on “future living” in a  future post (LOL) – occupying the space of the present is a foreign feeling, like I should be doing more.  (Mind Loop #1)  <– If you don’t know what a “mind loop” is and didn’t click on the link above, I suggest this IANDS-sponsored talk from Barbara Ireland.  (The synchronicity of timing in my own journey with how I found Ireland’s work cannot be missed.) My chronic negative thinking became a badge of honor, of living, and I needed to wrestle it down to the mat for a final victory.  Pinned!

Writing letters kept my thinking focused for the hour or so it took to put my pen to some beautiful stationary.  I have some special pens that I received as a Christmas gift that I use, too.  I created a space for me to just sit, reflect, and write to my friend.  I will bring myself a cup of tea, too, or light a scented candle.  This simple “stopping” for a moment in time gave me such a sense of ease! I began writing in my journal more regularly, too, so each morning I reset my daily intentions.  I’ve also taken to use my planner a bit differently so that my future living can be more constructive.  This mindset has also allowed me to create deeper blog content to channel some of these expressions.  The outlet of writing and sharing my thoughts helped me to address my own feelings which, in hindsight, is the point of using a journal.  (LOL!)  Byron Katie, a teacher of mine that provided such wonderful insight into how to understand our emotions, also discusses taking these feelings and questioning them through writing them down and running them through a series of questioning where they lose their power.  This analysis is what Katie calls “The Work“.  It is very powerful and, for anyone struggling with negative thinking, any of these resources will be helpful.  [Note: I also found Brené Brown’s work on shame and guilt extremely insightful, helpful, and, well, life-changing.  Brown has a new book written with Tarana Burke, an American activist who began the “MeToo” movement, called You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and the Black Experience.  Brown’s thoughtful work on guilt and shame – two of my personal cornerstones – has been eye-opening and this book is not to be missed.]

Anyway, moving back to our subject. I began following Katie’s The Work at the beginning of the Pandemic to try and shift my thinking away from the daily grind to the bigger picture.  This process allowed me to realize that I cannot control the Pandemic but I can control how I respond to the Pandemic.  The idea of taking these emotions and emitting them in the written form was something I stumbled upon when my father suddenly passed away about 20 years ago.  I began to write poetry in trying to soothe my soul about this significant loss in my life.  As with the Pandemic, it took months for me in my writing to develop the resilience to stand up to my incorrect perceptions – a resilience I didn’t know I possessed.  [One piece of advice: Just keep at it, don’t back down.  Sometimes, it takes a few years of study to reverse decades of unintentional behavior.] The hard part is identifying and accepting its various forms and hidden agendas.  The journey is what I’m learning from and the end result isn’t my true goal.  For me and my “future living” mindset, this is quite the dichotomy because my mind is already playing the future while my physical body is stuck here.  Enveloping myself in the ordinary – or the present – by taking a walk to feel the warm breeze on my skin, sitting in nature and feeling the sunlight on my head, or even stopping the editing of this post to feed Toby, helps to ground me in the “today.”  It is these ordinary tasks, from doing dishes to feeding my dog, that I am taking note of, being aware of my surroundings, enjoying the warm soapy water on my hands, thinking about how nice my kitchen is when the sink sparkles with the sunlight streaming through my kitchen window…..you see what I mean? While these are ordinary chores, they are anything but when you are mentally present in what you are doing because that mental presence gives our chattering minds a bit of a break.  Rather than use the tired old labels of “sink” or “soap” and feeling the drudge of housework, I marvel at the smells of my detergent, the warm water feeling on my hands, the beautiful sunlight streaming through my

kitchen window as it catches the leaves of my African violets that my father sent to me on my first year in New York (1993); I still have two! I let those feelings envelop my thoughts just for a few moments and dishes have become my favorite chore.  I used to catch myself loading my dishwasher and berating myself at the same time about something that happened in the past.  (I think this habit may be why I hated doing dishes!! 😉 )  Now, I think about the dishes as I’m doing the dishes…go figure! This gives my mind a bit of a break because I become more physically into the chore itself and that feeling of accomplishment is really a feeling.  In fact, whenever I had a school paper due or a project, I would begin to clean my house because the house cleaning was where I’d do my best thinking….about something else.  I was never present in the ordinary which caused me to not feel grounded – especially when the chore was done and I had no real memory of completing the tasks.  Of course, I know I did complete the task but I don’t recall my thinking during the execution of the chore.

I encourage you to ground yourself in the ordinary, or the present.  For living on this planet at this time is anything far from ordinary.  Each day, take on the day as if it were new and everything was to be explored because, Dear Reader, that is exactly what the present is — the present.  Peace.